“Authority Always Wins”
True Blood is an interesting show in so far as I have never watched one program with so many storylines that I didn’t care about but stay hooked because of the few that resonated. Sam and Luna and her kid? Don’t care. Terry and Arlene and his crazypants? Don’t care. Tara? Should have stayed dead. Jason and Jessica? Getting warmer. Eric, Bill, Pam and Sookie and the Vampire politics (and now religion?)? Oh hell yes, more please! If tonight’s episode was any indication of direction of the season, I’ll stay tuned in and I don’t know, go to the bathroom or get a snack or something through the 25 minutes or so of stuff I just Don’tCare.About.At.All!
Let’s meet the first, the last, the eternal. True Blood!
Stackhouse Manor. Remember last week when new Vamp Tara busted up out of the ground and made a beeline for screaming Sookie? Yeah, that was not clever editing. As the episode opens, Vamp Tara is in a foul mood and plays rough with Sookie and Lafayette, pinning the former against a tree and biting her and tossing the latter around like a rag doll. It takes Sookie being bit for Wal-Mart clad Pam to intercede and even then, its only half hearted at best. Reading the humans’ reaction that she needs to command Vamp Tara to not do stuff like eat her friends, Pam issues a non-enthusiastic command to her child to not bite the two humans and then zooms Vamp Tara into Stackhouse Manor. Tara proceeds to start slamming herself up against the doors and walls. Yep, its going to be a long night.
Authority Headquarters. Bill and Eric’s Excellent Adventure continues with them and Nora being brought to Salome at Authority headquarters. Salome is a British vamp with attitude (also a biblical allusion who’s Hebrew name means “peace”). Authority headquarters is a high security building where reception is underground (apparently, the building is adjacent to the Ministry of Magic which also had inverted floors. Harry Potter? Anyone? No, ok. Moving on). The three vamps are thrown into individual vamp jail cells.
First Annual Marcus Cannibal Festival. Alcide is not partaking in the Marcus meat feast … which bothers some pack members including Marcus’s momma, Martha. To be clear on a few points of this storyline, Alcide is not interested in being the new packmaster or in eating the old one, the pack’s laws be damned!
Crazytown. Terry is standing over a sleeping Arlene creepily, heavy into some PTSD flashbacks and remains creepy until Arlene smacks him back to his senses. Oh this storyline is going the way of any Sam storyline. Ignored!
Stackhouse Manor. Vamp Tara continues busting up Stackhouse Manor, currently focused on the kitchen while Lafayette and Sookie look on. When Vamp Tara moves to bite Lafayette, her self-loathing (which was always the best part of human Tara’s personality) kicks in causing her to emit another screechy scream and zoom away. I guess orders from your Master really are a thing?
Fangtasia. Pam finally arrives at the club and wastes no time before settling into a flashback to her human days. In case you were wondering, Pam ran a brothel at the turn of the 20th century which had the unfortunate reputation for attracting blood thirsty vampires that killed her girls. What a waste of a prostitute.
Authority HQ. Bill tries to get Eric and Nora sprung from Vamp Jail by telling the disembodied voice that we were merely following his orders but the disembodied voice thinks that bullshit so he shoots them all with some heavy duty ultra violet rays, which is basically like being in the sun for them and hurts … a lot. I should mention, in cae it becomes important later, there is a baby eating Vamp in another jail cell named Nigel.
Luna’s House. Martha tries to see Emma since she’s the grandma and all but Luna isn’t so much about the grandparent rights in this situation and she throws her out. Sam … is in the scene and after Martha leaves gets into a “fuck you” laced fight with Luna about how maybe Mema Martha should be cut some slack, “she just lost her son.” Luna is quick to point out that Martha also “just ate her son.” Touche! The fight escalates and I think Sam and Luna are on a break now.
Stackhouse Manor. Lafayette baits Tara with some freshly cut arm and when she starts feeding, Sookie attacks from behind and silver chains her so they can drag her to a hidey hole since the sun is almost up.
Patrol Car. Andy and Jason are discussing the delicacies of casual sex when they come upon Crazy Debbie’s abandoned car. To his credit, when Andy finds a vial of V, he hands it over to Jason instead of huffing it down. That, there is character growth!
Anti Vamp Store. An enthusiastic anti-vamp guy is distracted from watching his former hate-based idol, Steve Newlin, give a “Jesus loves vamps” interview by the Sookster looking for some anti-vampire weaponry. Enthusiastic Anti-Vamp Guy sells her on a colloidal silver mist spray which is a room deodorizer sprayer filled with colloidal silver in mist form. How long until you see this item in SkyMall? When Enthusiastic Anti-Vamp Guy moves on to a staking crossbow, Sookie dips into his thoughts to find out how much he’s like to stake her and she rewards his lewd thoughts by informing him that staking anyone vamp or otherwise is a Federal offense. Take that Enthusiastic Anti-Vamp Guy!
Stackhouse Manor. Sookie returns home to find Lafayette down in the hidey hole, seconds away from staking Vamp Tara since he is feeling pretty bad about being responsible for turning her into the thing she hates most. Sookie convinces him that Vamp Tara’s life can be better … eventually.
Sheriff’s Department. Jason is watching the same Newlin interview that Enthusiastic Anti-Vamp Guy was checking out and he is incredulous that Newlin is remaining in the closet. Andy comes in and pisses off Kevin (who is much more dimwitted than in the books) by telling him to expunge the speeding ticket of the Judge’s Son (is this just good story continuity or are we going somewhere with the judge’s son?). A boy comes in and beats on Jason for sleeping with his mama, Sharon. It takes Jason a second to realize that he’s taking about Crazy Sharon and damn, yeah he feels bad about that and that the kids parents are divorcing. Andy comes out and breaks up the fight and also threatens to throw Jason in jail if he sleeps with Holly (which, big assumption that he hasn’t already).
Flashback to the turn of the last Century. A dapperly dressed Eric saves a elegantly dressed Pam from being raped. They stare at each other oozing sexual chemistry for about an hour before Eric pays for her damaged dress and zooms off.
Authority HQ. Dieter Braun, vampire interrogator, visits Bill for some vampire interrogation. Seems that Dieter has a problem what with Nora being a Chancellor of the Authority and also a treasonous traitor, what with the whole letting Eric and Bill escape. That kind of offense calls for the True Death. This leads to an intriguing plot detour which may dictate a large part of the season, the introduction of Vampire religion! Bill, the exposition fairy, teaches us that the “Vampire Bible” predates the Judeo Christian testaments and is in fact called the Original Testament. In it, we learn that God, a vampire, created Lilith (also a vampire) and that Adam and Eve (and all humans) were created as nourishment for vampires. This bit of news leads to a discussion of a separatist movement in the vamp world which believes in the literal interpretation of the Vampire Bible and as such, threatens the Authority’s mainstreaming agenda of co-existence with humans. Dieter explains that Nora was a member of this separatist movement, the Sanguinista movement and suspects Bill and Eric might be too. Bill reiterates that he does not believe in the literal interpretation but Dieter is not yet sold and so Bill is treated to a cool, refreshing Silver IV drip. YEOUCH! Over in Eric’s room, Salome is telling him that Nora has met the True Death and asks if it was him or Bill that murdered Nan Flanagan. Eric’s “Nan Flanagan is dead?” quip earns him some Silver IV Drip. Double YEOUCH! Back in Bill’s room, Dieter is telling Bill that Eric has already sold him out so why continue fighting and Bill retorts that he ” enjoy [Dieter's] company.” Cue the Silver IV bath. Eric’s room and Salome is all, “Bill has rolled on you and has been reinstated as king so what do you have to say?”. “Long live the king”. Cue the IV bath. That was one of the most enjoyable scenes of the show for me; I love a united Eric and Bill and they should have bromance cop show on the USA Network.
The Mansion. Steve Newlin crashes Jessica’s neverending coed sex party and dances his way in where he finds himself very popular with the human folk. Jessica is not so jazzed to see him after their run in last week and in private, Newlin offers $10,000 for some access to Jason tail. Jess counters with $20,000 and he comes to $15,000 immediately. She cock teases him about the hardness of Jason’s rear and Newlin cannot raise his offer to $20,000 fast enough. Disgusted by him and his boners, Jessica tells him to get the fuck out because Jason is her friend and warns him to not return because her daddy is the King. Newlin cryptically tells her, “not anymore” which earns him a zoom throw out of the Mansion. Her party mood having been destroyed, she throws out her humans, less she eats them.
Patrick’s House. Arlene visits Patrick and tries to find out why Terry is crazypants. Of course, Terry shows up and they discuss that there is a squad member still alive and lets go get him and zzzzzzzzzzzz. Lord, I don’t care.
Fortenberry Residence. Jason tries (again) to make amends with Hoyt but he shuts that down right quick with a, “don’t come around here anymore, we’re over.” Maxine shows Jason the door while tongue lashing him about hurting Hoyt while whisperly thanking Jason for not breaking him up with that “red headed slut”. Jason has earned himself a pie! Oh Maxine.
Luna’s House. Emma has turned into a wolf puppy. That’s all. Scene.
Stackhouse Manor. Vamp Tara comes in and calmly tells Sookie and Lafayette that she’ll never forgive either of them before zooming out of the house … not before getting a face full of colloidal silver spray. Ha! Off Vamp Tara goes into the night screaming about her burnt face.
The Wrap Up! In the most ridiculous introduction in TV history, complete with Latin chanting, and a blood ceremony honoring “Lord and Lilith, the first, the last the eternal,” we meet Chris Meloni’s Roman Zimojic (also known as The Guardian). I’ll note that Eric and Bill are not offered blood (and Nora is still alive). Roman tells Eric and Bill that Nan always referred to them as “Fuck Up 1 and Fuck Up 2″ and while Nan herself was no prize, she was Authority and make no mistake, Roman IS the Authority. Asked again if they are members of the Sanguinistas, Bill says he doesn’t even know what that is and Eric says he stays away from politics and religion as much as possible. Seriously, its that attitude that makes people want to stake you Eric (and viewers love you!). Roman puts it to a vote of the Chancellors and “Southern Lady” is for True Death, black guy is all, “let them live” and annoying Vamp Kid (who IMDB tells me is Alexander Drew) is very vocally for killing them. Impetuous much kid? Roman reiterates that the mainstreaming agenda of the Authority CANNOT be disturbed and Bill offers the nugget of knowledge that Russell is still alive. So, in exchange for letting Eric and him live, they’ll get Russell who, by the way, will do everything he can to upset this agenda and kill them all. Roman would really, really like to stake Bill but he controls himself. Bill pleads one last time that mainstreaming is essential and Russell is unhinged and hey, let this be Bill’s last act of solidarity with the Authority!
Cut to Russell’s mangled body healing with while he pops his fangs and offers a little smirk of coming revenge!