“Turn! Turn! Turn!“
Previously on True Blood, all of season 4 happened. Welcome back to Bon Temps ya’ll, I hope you brought your best Wal-Mart Sweat suit because True Blood is Happening! Now!
We pick up right up from Season 4′s finale with Eric zoom-cleaning the Nan Flanagan bits on the floor and Bill leaving Jessica an “I’m going out of town for a bit, be good” voicemail. Sensing Sookie’s danger (you’ll remember she was dealing with the crazy Debbie Pelt situation), Bill wants to zoom to her but Eric makes it clear that she’s on her own (“Fuck Sookie” is the first classic Eric line of Season 5) seeing as she just Dear Johned both of them. He reminds Bill that they have bigger problems than Sookie being in danger such as, the Authority coming to capture them like right now. Bill disregards Eric’s warning when he senses Debbie’s gun shot but is snared by the Authority’s silver nets waiting right outside. Because he’s watched a lot of Loony Tunes, Eric hysterically follows him outside right into their hands. Worst.Heroes.Ever.
Over at Stackhouse Manor, Lafayette, having heard the gun shot, puts his Jesus mourning on hold to go help Sookie clean up the mess formerly known as Tara and Debbie in the kitchen. Pam zooms in on the Tara scene and Sookie puts her dying friend on hold to tell her to get out. Since Eric owns the house, the rescission doesn’t exactly work but Pam is ready to leave anyway, asking Sookie to tell Eric she is sorry on Pam’s behalf. Before she zooms away, Lafayette asks Pam to turn Tara which, have you MET Tara before Lafayette? Or Pam? Sookie agrees with me but when Lafayette accuses her of being selfish? I guess, Sookie gets in line and its up to Pam to note that Tara is missing half her head. That just sounds like quitter talk to me, Pam. She does raise the more practical point that Tara risks waking up the next night completely “fucktarded.” (Which, seriously, put that shit on a pillow and send it to me for Christmas). The negotiations conclude when Sookie agrees to use her fairy hands and “Super Snatch” (God, I love Pam) to help mend Pam’s fences with Eric PLUS a favor to be named later. Deal. Credits. Whew, that was a lot of action for an opener.
Jason’s House of Nudity. Nutball Newlin is still a vamp and he’s still at Jason’s door. Jason’s understandably wary, what with the banging of Newlin’s wife and bringing down his ministry but Steve-O is promising no harm. In fact, he’s got quite the sob story about he was turned as a punishment and his maker didn’t spend any time with him teaching him any cool vampire tricks like glamouring so really, Jason, Steve is just a lost soul looking for some friendship and understanding. Of course, this is a all a set up and of course, Jason falls for Newlin’s glamouring. Dumbass. As the door closes on Newlin entering Jason’s house, you can’t help but think of the show’s theme song and how Newlin is going to do bad, bad things to Jason.
Sam has a plot line involving Luna (and her daughter, Emma) and dead pack leader Marcus and Alcide and I still don’t’ care. Sam is faced with danger and turns into a bird flies away.
Back at Stackhouse Manor, Pam is getting buried in with Tara and at Sookie’s mention that she maybe isn’t trying very hard to help Tara, she busts out exhibit A of wearing a “Wal-Mart sweat suit for ya’ll.” Touché. Hearing Pam say “ya’ll” might be the greatest thing ever.
Sam Plotline. When the pack finds Sam at Luna’s house (way to put them in danger dummy), he takes the fall for killing Marcus (even though Alcide did the killing). Zzzz zzzzz sorry, did I fall asleep? Sam’s plots do that to me.
Jason’s House of Nudity and Homosexual Feelings. Vamp Newlin duct tapes Jason’s mouth and releases the glamour. To what does Jason owe this visit? Well, seems that Vamp Newlin has some unresolved issues about Jason sleeping with Sarah but realizes now that he really wanted to tap that Jason ass, himself. Yes folks, Steve is “a gay vampire American.” And, he loves Jason. Jason, in his simple Jason way, tells Steve-O that (a) he is totally flattered but (b) his “dog don’t bark that way.” Which, I don’t even know what that means? Dogs only bark one way. This … is not what Steve wanted to hear and he’s about to force his love on Jason when Kick Ass Jessica, wearing her Red Riding Hood Cape and bustier kicks in the door and announces that Jason is hers. And who the fuck are you, Steve asks? An older vampire than Newlin and the progeny of the king is who the fuck she is Steve-O. Jess gives Newlin the option of letting Jason go or facing the True Death. Which is a moot choice because Jason regains enough of himself to rescind his invitation. Once alone, Jessica wastes no time to getting down to the lovin. She is the hottest woman on this show by like a factor of 10 so more Jessica, please.
The Vampire Authority Trunk. Eric and Bill review their options leading to the inspired plan of puncturing the car’s gas tank and exploding the car. Which frees them, sure, but also gets Bill stabbed in the arm. The woman who had been in the front passenger seat turns out to be a helper and saves the two dummies from their would be attacker. To celebrate, Nora and Eric make out hardcore which is of course when we find out Nora is his sister. Natch. Vampire Incest is like breathing to vamps.
Stackhouse Manor. Sookie is cleaning Tara and Debbie bits up and discusses her “call the police” options with Lafayette (who is really having a sad now between the killing Jesus thing and Tara missing half her head thing); her desire to kill Debbie pretty much blows up her self-defense argument. Sure. When you say it like that.
The Incest Reunion. Nora reveals that’s she’s a mole in the Authority and that the only connection between her and Eric is through Godric (their mutual maker, duh) who conveniently met the sun two or three seasons ago. The threesome has arrived at a shipping container on a dock where they will go to ground for the day. Nora calls in with her story about what happened to the prisoners while Eric tells Bill that NO ONE knows of his highly placed Authority connection, not even Pam. Nora tells them that tomorrow, they are getting new papers and leaving the lives they knew for good and, if they were to return, it would mean the True Death for all three of them. Well, seeing as they are two of the main stars of the show, that’s probably not a long term plan, Nora.
Back in town, Sookie and Lafayette return to Lafayette’s to bury/say goodbye to Jesus which is a good idea until we learn the body is now missing. Of course it is because everything turns to shit in Bon Temps. Lafayette still needs to say goodbye so Sookie takes her leave. Once alone, Lafayette tries to summon Jesus to no avail and has himself a good sad about going on. Suicide Watch in the Lafayette Aisle.
Holly’s House. Holly’s kids return home from a hunting trip to find Andy butt naked on the pull out couch with their mom which, ew, on SO many levels. That they wake him up by poking him in the ass is just poetry. Andy gets his pants and runs to his Sheriff’s car (still in his boxers. Ladies and Gentlemen, the law enforcement of Bon Temps!) while Holly’s kids bitch her out.
Over in Crazy Town, Terry’s having a meal with Arlene, her kids and Patrick, his Marine buddy and all is going well until talk turns to the fire and Terry’s Crazy Eyes kick in for Patrick will not upset his domestic bliss with Arlene and company!
Stackhouse Manor. Sookie is having flashbacks to her childhood when she was constantly bullied for being a freak and Tara saving her (probably more than once). She breaks her reverie and tells Lafayette that he can take a soak next … which is a bad idea for a guy on Suicide Watch, especially with a razor dangling deliciously close in the tub. Alcide shows up and breaks the news that Russell Edgington is on the loose. This is all a surprise to Sookie because she had been operating on the assumption he had been killed, because who lets a 3,000 crazy ass vampire live? Which is a good question.
Merlotte’s. Jason amd Andy are commiserating about their broken relationships when the Judge shows up asking Andy to fix a speeding ticket for his son. Andy knows how to play ball (surprisingly) and “remembers” that Kevin’s radar was on the fritz last week. The judge leaves happy and there is some good will earned! Jason tries to make up with Hoyt but he’s not ready to listen.
Back at Stackhouse Manor, Alcide wants Sookie to come stay with him because he just knows that Russell will come a looking for her pretty little gap toothed head but Sookie doesn’t think that’s such a good idea (what with the Debbie killing and all). But, before she can confess her killing to Alcide, Lafayette comes down and hookah pleases him right out of the house (not without some growling from Alcide). Sookie and Lafayette decide to get ready for Tara’s emergence. Grab the True Blood, we’re having ourselves a Turning Party.
Sam Interrogation by Martha, Marcus’s Mommy. Sam gets beat but doesn’t talk. When Luna and Emma are threatened, he agrees to take the pack to Marcus in exchange for the girls’ safety.
The Container on the Dock. Eric and Nora’s epic fucking session (A bra Nora? Really? This is HBO. Get on board with the nudity) is interrupted by a call from Alcide surely telling Eric about Russell. Talk about an erection loser. The best Eric line of the night: To Bill, “We fight like siblings but fuck like champions.” Cut to a balding man being dragged on a floor and fed to … Someone (thing?). Russell I am guessing?
The Palace. Jessica is throwing a college party? And playing quarters (expertly). She’s also making sexy time eyes at a guy who is totally into her hotness (which, duh?). Jason shows up totally buzz kills her expected sexy times. She makes it clear that they are not a thing but he invites himself in to the party. It takes about 20 seconds for one of the slutty sorority girls to start dry humping him and it looks like it will be sexy times for everyone!
Merlotte’s. Patrick finds Terry outside Merlotte’s and tells him someone is killing their former squad members via suspicious fires which sets Terry off. They have a shoving match and bitch like girls before Patrick takes off displeasded with Terry’s craziness.
The Palace. Vamp karaoke rock band is in full affect as Jessica belts out Cherry Bomb (by the Runaways). Foreigner next!! Jason takes his slut home but gets cold feet because he really wants to be a good guy for once. Well, you’ll always have Cherry Bomb slutty girl.
Stackhouse Manor. Lafayette and Sookie wait.
The pack unburies Marcus and Alcide shows up just in time to save Sam from being thrown into the now available grave. Martha proceeds to eat her son? The rest join in? Gross.
The Dock. Bill and Eric get their new papers and meet Marcellus Clark (Bill) and Ike Applebaum. As Eric and Nora begin their goodbye, the one and true Vampire Authority shows up and now all the three of them are captured. Dummies, one and all.
Stackhouse Manor. Sookie and Lafayette continue wait. Finally, Pam emerges and she could give two shits if the turn worked so Sookie gets to unburying her friend. When it looks like it didn’t worked and Tara is all dead and quiet, Sookie breaks down. Man, Anna Paquin is an ugly crier. Since there is only 30 seconds left in the episode, of course a super vamped up Tara busts up and heads right for
dinner Sookie. Cue scream and credits. Ooph, its going to be a season.